I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
