Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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