I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
