in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
