things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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