And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
