I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
