Your face is a jimmy john
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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