I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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