You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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