so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
