i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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