it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
