Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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