Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
