Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
