she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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