Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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