My cat gives me a boner
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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