I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
