Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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