I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize