i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
