yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
