My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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