there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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