Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
