if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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