You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
