i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
