Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
