she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
