I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize