No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
