Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
