I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
