Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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