My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
