i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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