whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
