I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize