I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
