I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
zippers are such a cool invention
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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