remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
