I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
