1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
