Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The air taste purple.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
