I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
