yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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