I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
