Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
