mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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