dude i'm inner monologue high
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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