I faked an abortion last night.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
