I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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