We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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