Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Boobs are out for the taking
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
