Need sex. Gaining weight.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize