I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
