My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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