i need an iv and a liver transplant
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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