Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think a kid would responsible me up
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
