Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
