I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
