I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize